YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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