I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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