my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
