woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
