im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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