who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
