Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
