there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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