Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
