Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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