These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
