i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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