my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
