When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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