don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
