Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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