i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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