Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Randomize
