I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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