No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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