I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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