I want to make a zoo with you.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
