A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
