Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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