I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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