Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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