why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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