I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
