Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I love having hate sex.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
