sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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