Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
