I'm eating all of the evidence.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
