I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she peed on how many people?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
