I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
