I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
