I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
