Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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