Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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