Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
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Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Bring me that man meat
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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