I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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