Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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