just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
