cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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