My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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