how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
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We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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