you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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