I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
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for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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