just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
