I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
ttyl tear gas
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
