My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
