Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
