you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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