Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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