If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
