I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
